How psychology affects fertility

Getting a bun in the oven can be a difficult and emotional process. In most cases, having trouble to conceive awakens negative emotions and can bring your psychology down. This includes having second thoughts and asking yourself whether the partner you are trying to have a baby with is the right one. It is completely normal to have such thoughts running through your mind but it can actually lower your chances of conceiving even more. It is studied how psychology can either boost fertility or negatively affect fertility.

It is indicated that a woman undergoing emotional stress can have a negative impact on her reproductive cycle causing it to dysfunction. That is the reason when women are upset or going through a difficult time, their period becomes inconsistent. Having issues with conceiving, women tend to be more stressful as shown in a study from the Italian fertility journal in 2005. It was found that women, who have fertility issues, tend to have higher levels of cortisol, a stress hormone. This hormone is also responsible for preventing ovulation to take place.

In the previously mentioned study, it was also found that the reproductive cycles of more than 5% of women were affected by stress. This results in all these women having trouble conceiving.

It might sound easy for most of us to conceive but there are many women and men in the US that are unable to have a baby. No matter the reason why you are unable to conceive, we can only imagine how you and your partner felt when hearing the news.

Some of the emotions and psychological problems you must be going through right now include the following:

  • anger
  • guilt
  • self-blame
  • sadness
  • depression

The above psychological issues are some of the most common issues that all couples go through after being told that they are not fertile or can be more difficult for them to conceive. It is expected from most couples to have these emotions but what they actually do is not only bring the couple down and cause issues in their relationship or marriage but they can also result in having even fewer chances to conceive.

Much like any emotional distress can cause reproductive problems, so will emotional stress. To be more exact, it was discovered that negative thoughts and emotional stress have a direct relationship with fertility problems. The more negative thoughts you have fewer chances there are to conceive a child.

According to Dr. Andrea Mechanick Braverman, she indicates how difficult it is to remain calm and avoid stress while trying to have a baby. It is a stressful situation when you are finally trying to conceive and it is also an unavoidable situation to have such emotions. A lot of women believe that it is easy to conceive on their first try whereas women only have 20 to 25 percent chance to conceive. Those chances decrease as women get older. Since women do not have enough knowledge in the matter, they become more and more stressful if they try and are not able to conceive on their first few attempts. Waiting for your next ovulation is another aspect that brings more and more stress since you know that you have to wait until the next time you ovulate. As the months go by, stress and discomfort build up.

There are a lot of stories that cause couples to build up stress including stories such as how couples conceive when they are away on vacation or once they adopt a child. As a result, couples who are exposed to such stories create the misconception that it is their fault that they cannot conceive and this cannot but build even more stress for those couples.

It is wise to find your inner peace or even consult with a therapist who will help decrease your negative emotions and emotional stress and increase your chances of conceiving.

Risk-factors during pregnancy for those in an interracial relationship?

When it comes to pregnancy, there are a lot of factors that shape success and failure. Some of these are widely known and accepted. These factors include the age of a woman, whether either partner uses tobacco or alcohol, and whether the prospective female is overweight or not. But what about the risk-factors for interracial couples during pregnancy? Is it easier or harder to successfully give birth when you are part of an interracial relationship? Do success rates and pregnancy differ based on the race of the woman who falls pregnant? Let’s explore that question now.

Southern Asian women are more likely to experience stillbirth


Unfortunately, when it comes to couples in which the female partner is Southern Asian, the risk of a failed pregnancy is significantly higher. Southern Asian women are more likely to carry smaller babies. What this means is that there is an increased likelihood of losing the infant at birth as a result. Additionally, mortality rates for infants born to Southern Asian mothers are high for most other common causes of infant death including fever, placenta abruption, and congenital abnormality.

Mortality rates for mothers are much higher for African-American women


Although societal progress has meant that mortality rates for mothers in the United States is significantly lower than in decades past, black women are still more than four times more likely to experience maternal mortality compared to white women. The underlying factor here lies in poorer healthcare options for a clear majority of African-American women which is unacceptable in today’s modern times. Clearly, we need to equalize health-care to ensure the same care is available to all.

Pre-eclampsia is higher amongst Black women than other races

Unfortunately, black women also appear to be more likely to experience gestational hypertension than mothers of other races. It is not entirely known why this is the case, but it is believed to be due to a combination of environmental and genetic factors.

Asian mums and non-Asian dads in combination are at higher risk of gestational diabetes


Interestingly, an Asian mom carrying the child of a white man has a higher risk of developing gestational diabetes than all other couples. The result of this is often the need for a C-section. One suggestion for why this might be the case is that Asian couples historically have smaller babies than all other races. So, when a white man impregnates an Asian woman it is likely that her pelvis may not be able to accommodate a baby that would otherwise be homed within a white woman.

Hispanic women are more likely to abstain from drugs and alcohol


As alcohol and tobacco use is considered a major risk-factor that can negatively affect someone’s chances of conceiving, Hispanic women are at a major advantage due to their ability to abstain from alcohol and cigarettes when getting pregnant. Studies have shown that Hispanic women report the lowest rates of alcohol and drug use during pregnancy compared to white and black women which would obviously give them a greater chance at a successful pregnancy than their counterparts.

Despite these factors though,  and with more mixed race children being born due to interracial relationships, it is likely that safer pregnancy will continue to be a focus moving forward. With careful concern and a healthcare system that is accessible to everyone, it is likely pregnancies will continue to improve success rate as they have over the past few centuries.


Finding the right partner – The first step towards conception

pregnancy test


Have you ever thought who is going to be the partner of your life? The perfect man or woman that you are going to have children together. In case that you tried to start an interracial relationship using free interracial dating sites then you probably want a loving partner in your life.

There are so many relationship advice which you can find online but if you choose the wrong partner then nothing can help you. This is the first thing that you have to consider. We are all doing this mistake especially women. They are hurry to find the perfect man, they choose the wrong guy and then they are wondering what’s wrong. You have to realize from the beginning if your partner wants the same things that you want. If this is not happening then you can’t convince another human to do this for you. Feelings are not negotiable.

Lots of women wasting their time chasing guys who don’t interested in a serious relationship. If they are not interested in a serious relationship how these men can become fathers after all? This happens because we fall in love blindly and we can’t see the truth. Passion takes over and we get stuck with the wrong partner. First steps are the most important in a relationship. You just have to be careful and find out what your partner is looking for.

If you find out that your relationship does not worth it then you have to move on. Don’t think that this relationship was the last one and you can’t move on. Keep searching for the love of your life and you will find it for sure. We all have a soul mate somewhere. We just have to be patient and have faith.

You think he doesn’t take Responsibility

Trying to figure out if someone is not the ideal for you? Check for some responsibility. Does your partner take the responsibility when it’s not your fault or you take all the blame? If your partner can’t admit when he’s wrong then how is going to understand your feelings?

This can be caused from social issues of a human. This is when someone can’t understand the other person’s perspective. This might can happen later in a relationship and not at the beginning. It starts suddenly and everything it’s wrong for him.

So if you have any of these issues in your relationship then you have to understand that this is not your loving partner. Be careful at the beginning find out if you want the same things and then you can proceed.

Best ways to conceive artificially

artiifcial insemination

Nowadays there are lots of women who have issues with conceiving naturally from their husband. Also there are some women who don’t want to have a child with a partner so they are searching for another ways. The first thing that couples are trying to do in case they can’t have children is artificial insemination. This treatment method can be the best alternative method for those couples.

Apart from the cost of this method there are other factors that you might want to consider before you proceed. Find below some decisions that you have to look into and what their pros and cons are.

List of Pros of Artificial Insemination


  1. It makes breeding easy and is cost-effective.

In this way breeding can be performed carefully because of the modern technology that is used. The semen can be transferred from a donor to place which are far away.

This is also cost-effective because sperm cells can preserve without any danger.

  1. It allows for genetic preservation.

With artificial insemination they can be able to save a huge collection of genetic details. So this method can reduce the certain species to extinct. Keeping a lot of sperm and preserve it can be very useful in the future.

  1. It presents the capability to freeze sperm.

This method has the ability to preserve sperm not only for humans but for animals as well. Male animal’s semen can stay alive longer for many years. Once it’s needed it can be found easily.

There’s no light at the end of the tunnel


Some of you have been asking why I haven’t posted in a while, well my friends I needed a little break from all things ‘infertility’. My mind was full and my heart felt like it couldn’t possibly take any more, so I stopped thinking, I stopped talking and I stopped hurting, just for a couple of weeks.
It all started a few weeks ago when we had a regular check with the fertility specialist who in one breath told me I was ready to ‘trigger’ and in the next breath told me that if this cycle didn’t work we would need to sit down and talk about our options. What? What do you mean? What options are you talking about? What?! Spit it out goddamnit!

The dreaded conversation. The conversation that I never ever wanted to have. The conversation, that if I am honest I genuinely never thought I would need to listen too.


For the past 6 months, we have been doing ovulation induction with FSH and trigger injections, and I know that in the grand scheme of infertility I am incredibly lucky that thus far, I have been able to steer clear of IVF. I know so many couples are enduring the physical, mental, financial and emotional heartbreak of IVF so I have always thought that we have been lucky that we haven’t needed to go that far yet.

It’s strange, in my heart I truly believed that what we are doing now would work. I would get pregnant, I would have a baby. It’s not the thought of IVF that makes me panic, or what I can only imagine is a horrendous rollercoaster that stresses me out. Nope. Not at all. It’s the thought of no backup plan. Where do we go after that? What’s the next step? I don’t know. And that’s what makes me panic.

And panic I did. I left that appointment with tears in my eyes and my heart beating so hard I thought it was going to stop. All of a sudden I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think and I was in the middle of the street having a panic attack. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I called my sister at work, had her pulled out of her classroom where she was teaching and as soon as I heard her voice the tears came. And then I could breathe. I lost my shit. In the middle of the street, a blubbering mess with mascara and snot running down my face.

I don’t remember much from that conversation except her saying something that has stuck. ‘If it’s not working you can’t keep doing it, it’s not going to get you a baby’
For some reason that’s the only thing that stays in my mind, it’s true.

I calmed myself down, got myself home and waited for my partner to get home from work. Neither of us thought we were at this point, we didn’t realize that IVF was so close. But it is. There are no two ways about it. We came up with a plan of what we would do if this cycle didn’t work. Our specialist thinks I should have another surgery to check for any returning Endometriosis since my previous surgery a few years ago, and then we would go from there. Ok, I’m happy with that. But let’s focus on this current cycle we are on at the moment we said, let’s be positive and believe that this one will work and that nightmare of surgery and IVF won’t ever be part of our story. Great plan!

So we were positive, we did all the right things, we triggered and did the deed when we were told too. I ate my body weight in pineapple around implantation time (Google and my fellow infertility friends tell me it’s what you do!) and if I never see another pineapple it’ll still be too soon! I kept my feet warm with Ugg boots (another implantation tale), I begged, prayed, hoped and wished that this one would be it. That I would fall pregnant with our baby. Finally.

I did. It worked.

I begged, prayed, hoped and wished it would stay put, that this was our baby.

It wasn’t.

On Sunday it started. A miscarriage. Again.

As I sit here in bed writing this, I’m not sure if I will post this or not. I started this blog to write my story, to get my thoughts down and out of my head and so far it has worked. My blog has kept my mind clear, but I’m not sure that it will work this time.

I’m angry, frustrated and fucking pissed off. There are no other words to explain it. It’s just how I feel.

It feels strange not to have the overwhelming sadness that we did back in March when we had a miscarriage, the sadness that tries as you might suppress you just can’t. I don’t feel like that right now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m devastated. I’m lying here in bed miscarrying what could have been and what should have been our baby. But for some reason, that overwhelming sadness is being suppressed, by anger and frustration. I’m not silly, I know the sadness will rear it’s blubbering face soon enough and when it does I have no doubt it’ll hit like a tonne of bricks, but for now I’ll keep it away for as long as I possibly can, because dealing with one miscarriage has been the toughest thing I’ve ever done, I’m not so sure how you pick yourself up after two.

So friends, please know that I am thinking of you and sending so much love and ‘baby dust’ for those who need it. I love this blog and will continue to use it as my ‘therapy’ and for telling my story, it’s my fellow TTC friends who can truly understand me right now. In my everyday life, I need some time out of it all. I plan on going to work and coming home to our safe little bubble and that’s all for a little while.

It’s time to recuperate, heal and get back on top, so I can kick the arse out of infertility and show the world who is in control here.

Lots of love xx

Who’s this irrational girl?!


So I’m sitting here in the waiting room of our fertility specialist, checking everyone out. It’s funny, how after just a few months of coming here my feelings and attitude have changed. The first time we sat here, my knees were knocking (literally), my palms were sweaty and I couldn’t focus on anything else but staring at the door and waiting for this random Dr who I had all my hopes and dreams pinned on, to call my name. I don’t remember much from that initial appointment – apart from the list of tests and referrals he sent us home with.

fertility clinic

Now I sit here, sipping on my iced latte, and perusing the other women who are sitting around me. I wonder how long they have all been trying? What stage they are up too on this journey. There’s a woman across from me whose body language says she is an old hand at this, that she has sat in that chair before, many times, each time hoping it’s better news than last time. The girl to my right keeps rubbing her hands on her shorts…Aha! A Newby! Welcome! I hope you get off this rollercoaster early and unscathed!

And then there’s me. Somewhere in the middle of these two ladies. Slightly nervous, even though it’s just a check-up (more on that later) and a little laid back knowing exactly how the process works.
Oh, and there is the uncomfortable, heavily pregnant woman who is also trying to control her crazy toddler into submission by shaking random things in his face and asking what he is feeling. He’s 2, he feels like crying and running around yelling ‘no’ at the same time. Obviously. She is looking at the 3 of us with a ‘Why? Is this what you really want? Take him. Please’. I think she’s just stopped in this waiting room to take a load off for a minute.

I guess everyone has their struggles.

My mum reminded me of this recently, that at some point in our lives everyone has a struggle or a challenge that no one else around them has dealt with. Something we can feel empathy and compassion towards but not fully understand the true feelings of that person when we haven’t been in their shoes. Don’t judge, unless you’ve walked a mile in their shoes…Something we’ve all heard but for me personally haven’t really thought how true that is.

It’s hard to explain to family, or whoever your ‘team’ is, exactly how you feel. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

It’s a fine line between, not wanting to talk about yourself all the time, not wanting to talk about it that particular day, not wanting to upset anyone by truly allowing them to know how terrifyingly scary this all is, and not wanting to say it out loud because then it’s real. Some days it’s easier than others, and you just have to find the best way of telling people, in a way that they can understand. Not everyone you have on your team will give you everything you need, that’s why I personally have a few people who know what’s going on, each support in a different way and overall I get what I need. You can’t expect one person to give you exactly what you need, especially when you don’t really know what that is yourself. That’s the beauty of building this ‘team’ I keep talking about.

For me, I have always struggled with letting people completely into my life, I like to keep people at arm’s length to a certain point and only let them as close as I want them to be, especially with my health. I like to have things under control. I’m a control freak. In most areas of my life (apart from the fact that I wear odd socks..on purpose)

For me, this all started about two and a half years ago, when I randomly collapsed at work. Out of nowhere, one Saturday afternoon. I ended up in an emergency with a flurry of scary words and questions being thrown at me.
“How long have you known you have Endometriosis?” Umm about 1.4 seconds
“You’ll most likely need surgery” umm what?!
“You have multiple cysts on your ovaries”… Is that normal? Oh, it’s not? Right, ok.
“Endometriosis causes infertility” Sorry? Say that again?

This was the first time I didn’t hesitate to call for help. My mum. (Sometimes, regardless how incredible your partner is, and mine is top notch, a girl just needs her Mum). Through sobs and snot running down my face, I told her that I needed her.
What do I do? Do I have the surgery? Do I get a second opinion? What happens if I can’t have children? Mum! Help me! So it was Mum to the rescue, she flew down (we live in different states) and stayed with me while I had the surgery to remove what they could of the Endo (that’s Jargon for Endometriosis and I’m using it mainly because my spell check is annoying the crap out of me each time I type it)

Ok, so the surgery was ok, post-op was painful and at the age of almost 30 asking your mum to shower you brings on a whole new bond. (Sorry about that tattoo you’ve just noticed Mum, promise I won’t have anymore. And yes Mum, I’ve kept this promise! On a side note, when your Mum tells you at 19 that you’ll regret that tattoo, believe her! It’s more painful and more expensive to have it removed)

Anyway, the new bond with my Mother. We’ve always been close, sometimes we talk 5 times a day on the phone. I guess at each stage in your life you need your Mum for different things. But this was a situation that felt bigger than anything I had experienced before. I needed my mum as if I was a little girl who really didn’t know how to look after herself. She bathed, fed and put me to bed. It was in these days that I saw her as more than ‘Mum’. She was my caregiver, my support person, and my friend. I now understand that the word ‘Mum’ encompasses so many different people, wrapped up in one person.
It’s funny how relationships change, and as you grow older you become more like friends, but there are still times when you don’t need them as a friend, you need them as the Mum, as the grown up.

So back to the waiting room (I got a little sidetracked)…I sat and waited patiently while my new friend next to me kept wiping her clammy hands on her clothes. My name is called, in I go. A few pleasantries while I take off my shorts and undies, it’s weird how getting undressed and positioning yourself in those stirrups just becomes second nature (I mean buy me dinner and a drink first, or just a I right?)

Internal ultrasound to see how the injections are working, late last week I had one and it showed we needed to up the dose. It’s a fine line with FSH injections – we need to find out the dose my body responds to, you start at a low dose and increase from there. I asked why we can’t go up to the highest dose and his response was ‘well then you might fall pregnant with 8 babies and find yourself on the cover of New Idea’ point taken Doc. Last week I was starting to produce a small follicle, today, I have two lovely follicles on both ovaries that are similar size and could quite possibly ovulate at the same time, increasing our chance of twins. Twins? Two? Right, ok. We made the decision with the Dr before we started that twins would be amazing (for anyone with twins reading this, thinking Wow this girl has no idea! You’re right, I don’t, and I’ll be coming to you for advice!) but we wouldn’t want to risk my health or the health of future children by having more than a twin pregnancy. And today that became a real possibility. When I told my future baby Daddy his reply was ‘oh cool, one each’ (he has even less of an idea than me!)

So now we wait, keep injecting and have another scan later in the week. Although I am super happy that it’s all going along smoothly, I am also not getting my hopes up. As our Doctor explained, ovulating is the first steps in the multi-step process, which is fertility treatment. The drug I was on previous to this (Clomid) has left its mark with some side effects that my body needs time to recover from. So we wait.
And Inject.

Ahh yes, the dreaded daily injection. What a bitch! Now, it may not seem like a big deal, once a day, a tiny needle and all for a good cause, but its overwhelming and bloody scary! The first night I had to do it, I lined everything up, re-read the instructions, twice. Slowly put the injection pen together, double checked the ampoule of baby making liquid, and checked the expiry date. Then I put it all to the side and started my procrastination. I made dinner, I made lunch for the next day, I cut up fruit in case I wanted a juice the next morning, I wiped the benches, I fluffed the pillows on the lounge..until I looked up and was told by my partner ‘you can’t keep putting it off’ hmm spoken like someone who doesn’t have to put a needle into their own body.
And so I did it. It didn’t even hurt. Easy peasy. What is everyone complaining about on these forums I read?!
This is so great I thought, until the second night. I stabbed myself 4 times before I had the guts to keep in and press the button. Wow. This is not easy. This is what everyone is complaining about on these forums I read!
By night 3 and 4 I was a professional. A regular junkie. All done within 3.5 seconds a pat on the back and a bar of chocolate.
So now we are day 9 and so far so good. No nausea, no headaches, no hallucinations. Just a minor episode last night when ‘rational’ left my body and ‘pyscho’ entered and I waved the injection pen in the face of my manfriend yelling ‘do you want to be injected every day? Do you want me to do this to you? Come on, tell me where do you want it??’ Wow. Didn’t read that in the ‘side effects’ leaflet.
Like I said previously, blame it on the hormones. Always the hormones.

So that’s where we are at. Injections, hormones, and psychotic outbursts. Ahh the life of infertility, always fun! Let’s give a shout-out, to the partners who have to endure crazy needle waving girlfriends and pretend it’s “totally ok love, do you want some chocolate now?”

NB: Sorry to my partner for calling him the garlic to my bread in the previous blog…he was embarrassed (by me I think). You are the strawberry to my cream, the bun to my hotdog and the cheese to my macaroni. Choose one or stay with Garlic Bread. Your choice x

Heavy black heart

There’s no bun in my oven..yet

As I sit here on my couch, full of a cold, snuggled up with our dog, after just being a total bitch to my partner for no reason, I am trying my hardest to ignore the cramps and that ‘your period is on it’s way’ pain that I’ve now been feeling for 2 days. I’m thinking about everything else but that. What’s for dinner? Should I do some washing? Should I move that lamp to the other corner ..yeah great idea…actually now I want to move it back. I should paint my toenails. I wonder what Coles are going to do if they have to recall all their lettuce with this Salmonella scare I’ve just seen on Facebook. Random and unimportant things, to keep my mind from focusing on what is really happening.

My period is coming.

So, not only will the bitchy moany PMS monster inside me be arriving (joy for all those around me) I’ll be bed ridden all weekend with the pain (gotta love being a girl with endometriosis). But the arrival of old unwanted ‘Aunt Flo’ (who always seems to come for her visit at the most inappropriate time – I guess she really is like that wacky Aunty everyone has somewhere in their family), it also means that our first round of fertility treatment hasn’t worked.

This isn’t the month that I get to tell my beautiful love that he is going to be a Dad for the first time. Something I have thought about, Instagram stalked and spent hours on Pinterest and YouTube planning how to do it in the sweetest and kind-of-funny way I know he would love.

This isn’t the moment I have waited most of my adult life for – the moment I can finally tell my Mum I’m having a baby. That we are so clever, we made her another grandchild, to add to the two she already has who she thinks are the Bees Knees.

This isn’t the month that I can start buying all the baby stuff I’ve taken screen shots of on my phone …hello Bugaboo and Incy interiors .. I’m looking at you! (Not bugaboo…I’m going to beg my sister for hers)

This isn’t the month that it won’t be awkward when The Man catches me looking at myself in the mirror pushing my tummy out to see what I’ll look like when I’m pregnant .. Hopefully when it happens my face won’t be so red from holding my breath while I push out my stomach!


This is the month that I feel somewhat like a failure. Like once again my body has failed me. That I’ve failed. As a woman. As a partner. As a daughter.

As a 31 year old woman, making a baby is what we are meant to be able to do. It’s easy right? You decide you want to start a family together, you come off the pill, you go at it like rabbits thinking it’s all fun and sexy and you make a baby.

No. As it turns out, sometimes it’s not that easy. Sometimes you try for almost a year and start to wonder why it’s not happening. You buy countless pregnancy tests, different brands because obviously it’s the test that’s incorrect not your body and then you start to slightly panic when they are all negative. Umm… WTF is going on here!? Ok let’s have sex in the morning. Yep that’ll be the problem. Our bodies aren’t working properly at night, too tired from work and everyday life, that must be it. Nope. Nothing. Hmmm… Ok. Let’s eat reeeeeally healthy and do lots of exercise and have fun with friends and not think about it and then it’ll happen, right? Everyone says, when you don’t think about it, it happens.


Rightio..let’s go and see a fertility specialist. Ok so now we have a plan. We both need to go through some tests, make sure everything is working the way it should…that nervous wait to get the results is a killer…and the tests (for me) are invasive and painful..he on the other hand had to endure a blood test and give his ‘sample’ in a cup and he was done.. but you would think he had run a marathon whilst pulling a Mack Truck on a chain the way he tells his side of the story. He does that, he makes jokes to lighten a heavy situation. It’s one of the things I love most about him.

We sit and listen for the results, all pretty good on his part (fist pump) on the other hand. How did I get this body? Was I terrible in a previous life? So I don’t ovulate consistently because of the cysts on my ovaries, and when I do, I ovulate ‘bad eggs’ (let’s call them rotten eggs to keep with the egg theme). Which would explain the miscarriage we had in August.

So we are to start Clomid – a drug that basically tricks your body into producing the Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) which you need to make you ovulate, and you need to ovulate to get pregnant. Ok, seems easy enough. Take one tablet for 5 days and then go for an ultrasound with the Dr. Have sex when we are told to. Ohhhh yeah sooo sexy! And not at all awkward!

Don’t get me started on the sex you need to have whilst trying to make an offspring. I kid you not, sometimes I don’t even want to look his direction, let alone drop my pants and I know he feels the same. Anyone who tells you “making a baby would be so much fun, think of all the sex” has obviously never tried to make a baby this way.

Back to the sex…it’s all fun and sexy when you first start. And then it’s a job. It’s work. A chore. Like something you know you have to do, but you would rather do anything else. Like taking out the has to be done but I put it off until the bin is overflowing and something starts to smell. Now I’m not referring to my life companion/lover as garbage. No no no. He is the total opposite. He is HOT. I think he is the garlic to my bread and I usually want to jump his bones all.the.time (except Monday nights at 8.30 because I’m too busy with The Kardashians). Seriously, I bloody love this man. And I know he feels the same about me. (Although I’m sure after my unprovoked outburst earlier his love for me dimmed a little for a while…silver lining to all this is you can blame everything on ‘the hormones’).

But when there is someone telling you when and how to do it, for that week, it becomes work. And it always seems, that when we are told to do it, it’s at the worst possible time. I have just finished a nightshift, he has just come back from travelling interstate for work, we’re tired, we’ve had a stupid fight (no I didn’t empty the dishwasher .. Again ..I think you can see the pattern of my lack of household chores) or we just don’t want to, plain and simple… Think of it like this… The times you just want to be a slob on the couch, stare at the tv and ignore each other .. The last thing you want to do is get sexy and do your thing…well guess what?! You HAVE too. Twice a day. For as many days as some Dr you’ve met 6 times, tells you too. Ohhh yeah…(insert sexy music here).

Anyway, back to the tablets. We thought it would be easy. Seemed straight forward enough. Well it would be easy if my body didn’t react so badly. I hallucinated – first that my hands and feet were 10 times bigger than they were (weird) and then I started having a great convo with my Nana in the lounge room (she passed away almost 10 years ago). Embarrassingly I almost passed out at work. Luckily I work with some amazing girls who were awesome.

We finished the treatment and had multiple ultrasounds and finally I ovulated! Yay! One beautiful follicle! Go me! Go us! So we did what we were told (see above). And then we started the two week wait until we could test…that’s today. Negative. All six tests. All 3 different brands.


So now we wait, for ‘Aunt Flo’ to come. Joy. Then we start again. Round 2. Injections. For 12 days. It feels intense and more hardcore than popping a tablet for 5 days, but it’s what needs to be done. The thought of injecting myself is scary, emotional and surreal.

So I guess you now know what this blog will be about, to be honest I have always found writing things down a cathartic and freeing experience, so if no one reads this (not you Mum, I know you’ll read this…sorry for any swearing) it’s a way for me to put down in writing how I feel about something I want so desperately. Heavy black heart