Finding the right partner – The first step towards conception

Have you thought of someone who will be a father of your first child? Or thinking what would be your ideal man? Have you ever tried to meet someone using free black dating sites hoping for a right guy?
All the relationship advice in the world won’t make any difference if you’re choosing the wrong guy. This is the step that often gets missed or overlooked. Women hammer away, trying to pound the proverbial square peg into a round hole, then wonder what they’re doing wrong, why they can’t seem to make it fit, why they can’t get the love they want. You can’t turn a losing stock into a winning stock. You can’t force someone to change and to want what you want. You can’t convince someone to feel a certain way about you.

We spent way too long chasing after guys who wouldn’t or couldn’t give what we wanted especially the father of our child, and then we wondered what was wrong with us when it didn’t get our lasting love! The problem was simple: We are choosing the wrong men. It sounds straightforward enough, but it’s a very tricky thing. We fall for these guys because it feels so right, because we’re swept up in the passion, the chemistry, and the intoxicating aura of unavailability; we get sucked into the space that exists when someone is just beyond our reach and it makes us yearn for him. We convince ourselves that this is it, that he’s the one and we just need to make him see it.

This is where the problems develop. This is where all the questions and fears and doubt and uncertainties and fears start to consume you. You mistake these feelings for true love because maybe you’ve never felt this way before, and you think it must be because this guy is different and this relationship is meant to last.


This is just a glimpse into the confusion that ensues when you choose the wrong guy. If you’re hung up on a man who can’t commit or won’t commit or who is mean to you or who is just a mean person in general, a guy with baggage, a guy with serious issues, a guy who you think would be perfect “if only” he changed such and such, then you’re setting yourself up to lose before you even begin, and you are blocking yourself from ever finding the love you want.


You think he doesn’t take Responsibility


One of the biggest relationship red flags is when someone won’t take responsibility for anything and instead blames you, maybe using a justification along the lines of, “Well I wouldn’t yell at you if you weren’t being so annoying.” Rather than admitting when he’s wrong, he comes up with excuses and justifications for his behaviors and reasons to blame you.

One of the biggest indicators of psychopaths or sociopaths is not being able to take responsibility; it’s a fundamental lack of empathy that prevents them from ever being able to see the other person’s perspective. However, it doesn’t always start out this way. In the beginning, he’s enraptured by you and everything you do is right. Then suddenly he’s unhappy and he blames you for everything that’s wrong. If you erroneously reason that you’re the problem, he may feed this mentality. You don’t inspire him enough, you don’t give him what he needs, you aren’t supportive enough, you’re always negative. It’s always you, never him.

I’m not saying every guy who can’t take responsibility is a psycho; he could just be immature. But it is something to keep in mind because narcissists are out there and this is one of their key features. That is one of the factors that may affect women’s ability to conceive.

Moving forward we need to believe in ourselves and most especially love with tender as we grow with our own family.

Best ways to conceive artificially

Artificial insemination is one of many fertility options available to women who are either having trouble conceiving naturally with their partner or who want to have a child without a male partner. For many couples, artificial insemination is one of the first treatment methods used when they realize that they cannot become pregnant naturally. Artificial insemination is a safe and when coupled with fertility drugs, a reasonably effective method of conception. Compared to other fertilization techniques, it is also fairly cost-effective; depending on which method and sperm source you choose, artificial insemination usually costs between $100 and $6000 per cycle. However, as with any fertility treatment, there are several decisions you will have to make, each with pros and cons.


List of Pros of Artificial Insemination


1. It makes breeding easy and is cost-effective.

The modern technology that is used in this procedure could make it easier and a lot simpler for us to perform careful breeding, as it allows the transfer of semen from a donor to faraway places with ease. It is also cost-effective in a way that sperm cells are preserved, enabling the ability to save money and resources in order to create a huge repository for them.

2. It allows for genetic preservation.

Remember that the lack of genetic diversity can lead to certain species becoming extinct if they are not preserved. One good way to avoid this problem is keeping a lot of preserved sperm from various animals to be able to keep a huge collection of genetic details.

3. It presents the capability to freeze sperm.

The ability of male animals’ semen to stay alive longer will enable us to preserve their sperm by freezing with the use of nitrogen for a longer period of time. That is why we no longer have to worry if it would take a certain period of time to wait for someone who would need it.

4. It makes remote mating possible.

Artificial insemination allows the transfer of semen over a distance and enables organisms living far away to be mated without even being transported. This means that this method can save time and money, as there will be no need travel and carry a lot of things.


List of Cons of Artificial Insemination


1. It disturbs species and disrupts their natural habits.

The act of extracting sperm from male animals normally requires an individual to hold these animals, which means that they will be disturbed. This will create a negative impact, especially when subject animals are living in their natural habitats. Also, conserving sperm by freezing can be used as an exemption to destroy the animals’ natural way of impregnation.

2. It is not effective in other species.

While many animals have successfully adapted to artificial insemination, not all of them will have positive reactions to this method. It is not that often effective even in humans.

3. It requires the use of anesthetics.

To be able to calm animals down when subjected to this procedure, there will be a need to use anesthesia on them, which would affect their ability to react to particular conditions, such as semen extraction.

As a whole, artificial insemination offers positive results to others, but it could also fail to provide the desired results to others. That is why it is very important to weigh down its pros and cons before deciding to undergo this procedure.



A Story of Infertility

For me, as a young child, I had always dreamed of being married and having children. Once I did marry, we waited to start a family. Our goal was to further our careers and to save up enough money to put a hefty down payment on a house—essentially what is now called within the fertility world “delayed parenting.” Yet, there were days I’d have this intense longing and the inevitable question, “What’s my purpose in life?” It was during a Mother’s Day church service when the pastor spoke on “barrenness.” He spoke about many types of barrenness: those who have a dream yet to be fulfilled, a wayward son or daughter, or for those who desired to become mothers. The sermon stirred in me again that childhood dream to have children. I left the church that day feeling a sense of peace and purpose in my life, to become a mother, finally.

As the months and years passed—no pregnancy.  I went through the range of emotions one goes through in trying to get pregnant. I felt angry at God, jealous of others who were expecting, disappointed every month, and essentially left with a broken heart. As I went through this season, I would journal. I would write out my feelings and my frustrations and prayed to God for His help. As I reflected on what I had written I clearly saw God and His faithfulness and help every step of the way. I see it as He turns my disappointments into appointments with Him.

Since I had such a profound impression of God’s purpose in the Mother’s Day service, I just assumed I would get pregnant easily, so therefore I did not obtain diagnostic testing for my infertility—which in hindsight was probably not the best idea. A woman’s egg reserve decreases with each passing year. I did not see the first fertility specialist until the age of forty; for most medical professionals, that would appear to be too late in life. However, I had diagnostic tests. The results proved I had severe endometriosis, fibroids (similar to tumors in my womb), and a hormone deficiency. I had surgeries to correct these problems and medicines to balance the hormones. But still, no baby after the corrective surgeries and thousands of dollars spent.

I sought another fertility specialist, and this time around went through two IUI’s (artificial insemination). With the last treatment, we were given the news, “With your age and egg maturity, there is no hope for you to conceive.” I felt as if those words left me lifeless. I felt as if something died within my heart. The only thing I could think of to do after receiving this terrible report was to turn to God, which as cliché as it sounds was true. I prayed asking God to mend my broken heart that was shattered into a million pieces. Truly, he supernaturally brought healing to my confused mind and broken emotions. Again, my disappointment was met with an appointment with Him. I know this may sound very odd for some, but truly this is my testimony how God can heal one suffering from the grief of infertility.

As I had such an intense desire to have children, my husband was the opposite. So there arose conflict. But we came to a resolution. The details of this are in the acknowledgment of the book. We still pray and ask God for children and keep our hearts open as to how He would like to expand our family, but in the meantime we are content and at peace within our hearts and marriage, holding to the scripture that God has a great future and hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

There’s no light at the end of the tunnel

Some of you have been asking why I haven’t posted in a while, well my friends I needed a little break from all things ‘infertility’. My mind was full and my heart felt like it couldn’t possibly take any more, so I stopped thinking, I stopped talking and I stopped hurting, just for a couple of weeks.
It all started a few weeks ago when we had a regular check with the fertility specialist who in one breath told me I was ready to ‘trigger’ and in the next breath told me that if this cycle didn’t work we would need to sit down and talk about our options. What? What do you mean? What options are you talking about? What?! Spit it out goddamnit!

The dreaded conversation. The conversation that I never ever wanted to have. The conversation, that if I am honest I genuinely never thought I would need to listen too.


For the past 6 months we have been doing ovulation induction with FSH and trigger injections, and I know that in the grand scheme of infertility I am incredibly lucky that thus far, I have been able to steer clear of IVF. I know so many couples are enduring the physical, mental, financial and emotional heartbreak of IVF so I have always thought that we have been lucky that we haven’t needed to go that far yet.

It’s strange, in my heart I truly believed that what we are doing now would work. I would get pregnant, I would have a baby. It’s not the thought of IVF that makes me panic, or what I can only imagine is a horrendous rollercoaster that stresses me out. Nope. Not at all. It’s the thought of no back up plan. Where do we go after that? What’s the next step? I dont know. And that’s what makes me panic.

And panic I did. I left that appointment with tears in my eyes and my heart beating so hard I thought it was going to stop. All of a sudden I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think and I was in the middle of the street having a panic attack. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I called my sister at work, had her pulled out of her classroom where she was teaching and as soon as I heard her voice the tears came. And then I could breathe. I lost my shit. In the middle of the street, a blubbering mess with mascara and snot running down my face.

I don’t remember much from that conversation except her saying something that has stuck. ‘If it’s not working you can’t keep doing it, it’s not going to get you a baby’
For some reason that’s the only thing that stays in my mind, it’s true.

I calmed myself down, got myself home and waited for my partner to get home from work. Neither of us thought we were at this point, we didn’t realise that IVF was so close. But it is. There’s no two ways about it. We came up with a plan of what we would do if this cycle didn’t work. Our specialist thinks I should have another surgery to check for any returning Endometriosis since my previous surgery a few years ago, and then we would go from there. Ok, I’m happy with that. But let’s focus on this current cycle we are on at the moment we said, let’s be positive and believe that this one will work and that nightmare of surgery and IVF won’t ever be part of our story. Great plan!

So we were positive, we did all the right things, we triggered and did the deed when we were told too. I ate my body weight in pineapple around implantation time (Google and my fellow infertility friends tell me it’s what you do!) and if I never see another pineapple it’ll still be too soon! I kept my feet warm with Ugg boots (another implantation tale), I begged, prayed, hoped and wished that this one would be it. That I would fall pregnant with our baby. Finally.

I did. It worked.

I begged, prayed, hoped and wished it would stay put, that this was our baby.

It wasn’t.

On Sunday it started. A miscarriage. Again.

As I sit here in bed writing this, I’m not sure if I will post this or not. I started this blog to write my story, to get my thoughts down and out of my head and so far it has worked. My blog has kept my mind clear, but I’m not sure that it will work this time.

I’m angry, frustrated and fucking pissed off. There are no other words to explain it. It’s just how I feel.

It feel strange not to have the overwhelming sadness that we did back in March when we had a miscarriage, the sadness that try as you might to suppress you just can’t. I don’t feel like that right now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m devastated. I’m lying here in bed miscarrying what could have been and what should have been our baby. But for some reason that overwhelming sadness is being suppressed, by anger and frustration. I’m not silly, I know the sadness will rear it’s blubbering face soon enough and when it does I have no doubt it’ll hit like a tonne of bricks, but for now I’ll keep it away for as long as I possibly can, because dealing with one miscarriage has been the toughest thing I’ve ever done, I’m not so sure how you pick yourself up after two.

So friends, please know that I am thinking of you and sending so much love and ‘baby dust’ for those who need it. I love this blog and will continue to use it as my ‘therapy’ and for telling my story, it’s my fellow TTC friends who can truly understand me right now. In my everyday life, I need some time out of it all. I plan on going to work and coming home to our safe little bubble and that’s all for a little while.

It’s time to recuperate, heal and get back on top, so I can kick the arse out of infertility and show the world who is in control here.

Lots of love xx

Who’s this irrational girl?!

So I’m sitting here in the waiting room of our fertility specialist, checking everyone out. It’s funny, how after just a few months of coming here my feelings and attitude have changed. The first time we sat here, my knees were knocking (literally), my palms were sweaty and I couldn’t focus on anything else but staring at the door and waiting for this random Dr who I had all my hopes and dreams pinned on, to call my name. I don’t remember much from that initial appointment – apart from the list of tests and referrals he sent us home with.

Now I sit here, sipping on my iced latte, and perusing the other women who are sitting around me. I wonder how long they have all been trying? What stage they are up too in this journey. There’s a woman across from me whose body language says she is an old hand at this, that she has sat in that chair before, many times, each time hoping it’s better news than last time. The girl to my right keeps rubbing her hands on her shorts…Aha! A Newby! Welcome! I hope you get off this rollercoaster early and unscathed!

And then there’s me. Somewhere in the middle of these two ladies. Slightly nervous, even though it’s just a check-up (more on that later) and a little laid back knowing exactly how the process works.
Oh and there is the uncomfortable, heavily pregnant woman who is also trying to control her crazy toddler into submission by shaking random things in his face and asking what he is feeling. He’s 2, he feels like crying and running around yelling ‘no’ at the same time. Obviously. She is looking at the 3 of us with a ‘Why? Is this what you really want? Take him. Please’. I think she’s just stopped in this waiting room to take a load off for a minute.

I guess everyone has their struggles.

My mum reminded me of this recently, that at some point in our lives everyone has a struggle or a challenge that no one else around them has dealt with. Something we can feel empathy and compassion towards but not fully understand the true feelings of that person, when we haven’t been in their shoes. Don’t judge, unless you’ve walked a mile in their shoes…Something we’ve all heard but for me personally haven’t really thought how true that is.

It’s hard to explain to family, or whoever your ‘team’ is, exactly how you feel. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

doctor equipment

It’s a fine line between, not wanting to talk about yourself all the time, not wanting to talk about it that particular day, not wanting to upset anyone by truly allowing them to know how terrifyingly scary this all is, and not wanting to say it out loud because then it’s real. Some days it’s easier than others, and you just have to find the best way of telling people, in a way that they can understand. Not everyone you have on your team will give you everything you need, that’s why I personally have a few people who know what’s going on, each support in a different way and overall I get what I need. You can’t expect one person to give you exactly what you need, especially when you don’t really know what that is yourself. That’s the beauty of building this ‘team’ I keep talking about.

For me, I have always struggled with letting people completely into my life, I like to keep people at arm’s length to a certain point and only let them as close as I want them to be, especially with my health. I like to have things under control. I’m a control freak. In most areas of my life (apart from the fact that I wear odd socks..on purpose)

For me this all started about two and a half years ago, when I randomly collapsed at work. Out of nowhere, one Saturday afternoon. I ended up in emergency with a flurry of scary words and questions being thrown at me.
“How long have you known you have Endometriosis?” Umm about 1.4 seconds
“You’ll most likely need surgery” umm what?!
“You have multiple cysts on your ovaries” .. Is that normal? Oh it’s not? Right, ok.
“Endometriosis causes infertility” Sorry? Say that again?

This was the first time I didn’t hesitate to call for help. My mum. (Sometimes, regardless how incredible your partner is, and mine is top notch, a girl just needs her Mum). Through sobs and snot running down my face I told her that I needed her.
What do I do? Do I have the surgery? Do I get a second opinion? What happens if I can’t have children? Mum! Help me! So it was Mum to the rescue, she flew down (we live in different states) and stayed with me while I had the surgery to remove what they could of the Endo (that’s Jargon for Endometriosis and I’m using it mainly because my spell check is annoying the crap out of me each time I type it)

Ok, so the surgery was ok, post op was painful and at the age of almost 30 asking your mum to shower you brings on a whole new bond. (Sorry about that tattoo you’ve just noticed Mum, promise I won’t have anymore. And yes Mum, I’ve kept this promise! On a side note, when your Mum tells you at 19 that you’ll regret that tattoo, believe her! It’s more painful and more expensive to have it removed)

Anyway, the new bond with my Mother. We’ve always been close, sometimes we talk 5 times a day on the phone. I guess at each stage in your life you need your Mum for different things. But this was a situation that felt bigger than anything I had experienced before. I needed my mum as if I was a little girl who really didn’t know how to look after herself. She bathed, fed and put me to bed. It was in these days that I saw her as more than ‘Mum’. She was my caregiver, my support person and my friend. I now understand that, the word ‘Mum’ encompasses so many different people, wrapped up in one person.
It’s funny how relationships change, and as you grow older you become more like friends, but there are still times when you don’t need them as a friend, you need them as the Mum, as the grown up.

So back to the waiting room (I got a little side tracked)…I sat and waited patiently while my new friend next to me kept wiping her clammy hands on her clothes. My name is called, in I go. A few pleasantries while I take off my shorts and undies, it’s weird how getting undressed and positioning yourself in those stirrups just becomes second nature (I mean buy me dinner and a drink first, or just a I right?)

Internal ultrasound to see how the injections are working, late last week I had one and it showed we needed to up the dose. It’s a fine line with FSH injections – we need to find out at which dose my body responds, you start at a low dose and increase from there. I asked why we can’t go up to the highest dose and his response was ‘well then you might fall pregnant with 8 babies and find yourself on the cover of New Idea’ point taken Doc. Last week I was starting to produce a small follicle, today, I have two lovely follicles on both ovaries that are similar size and could quite possibly ovulate at the same time, increasing our chance of twins. Twins? Two? Right, ok. We made the decision with the Dr before we started that twins would be amazing (for anyone with twins reading this, thinking Wow this girl has no idea! You’re right, I don’t, and I’ll be coming to you for advice!) but we wouldn’t want to risk my health or the health of future children by having more than a twin pregnancy. And today that became a real possibility. When I told my future baby Daddy his reply was ‘oh cool, one each’ (he has even less of an idea than me!)

So now we wait, keep injecting and have another scan later in the week. Although, I am super happy that it’s all going along smoothly, I am also not getting my hopes up. As our Doctor explained, ovulating is the first steps in the multi-step process, which is fertility treatment. The drug I was on previous to this (Clomid) has left its mark with some side effects that my body needs time to recover from. So we wait.
And Inject.

Ahh yes, the dreaded daily injection. What a bitch! Now, it may not seem like a big deal, once a day, a tiny needle and all for a good cause, but its overwheming and bloody scary! The first night I had to do it, I lined everything up, re-read the instructions, twice. Slowly put the injection pen together, double checked the ampoule of baby making liquid, and checked the expiry date. Then I put it all to the side and started my procrastination. I made dinner, I made lunch for the next day, I cut up fruit in case I wanted a juice the next morning, I wiped the benches, I fluffed the pillows on the lounge..until I looked up and was told by my partner ‘you can’t keep putting it off’ hmm spoken like someone who doesn’t have to put a needle into their own body.
And so I did it. It didn’t even hurt. Easy peasy. What is everyone complaining about on these forums I read?!
This is so great I thought, until the second night. I stabbed myself 4 times before I had the guts to keep in and press the button. Wow. This is not easy. This is what everyone is complaining about on these forums I read!
By night 3 and 4 I was a professional. A regular junkie. All done within 3.5 seconds a pat on the back, and a bar of chocolate.
So now we are day 9 and so far so good. No nausea, no headaches, no hallucinations. Just a minor episode last night when ‘rational’ left my body and ‘pyscho’ entered and I waved the injection pen in the face of my man friend yelling ‘do you want to be injected every day? Do you want me to do this to you? Come on, tell me where do you want it??’ Wow. Didn’t read that in the ‘side effects’ leaflet.
Like I said previously, blame it on the hormones. Always the hormones.

So that’s where we are at. Injections, hormones and psychotic outbursts. Ahh the life of infertility, always fun! Let’s give a shout out, to the partners who have to endure crazy needle waving girlfriends and pretend it’s “totally ok love, do you want some chocolate now?”

NB: Sorry to my partner for calling him the garlic to my bread in previous blog…he was embarrassed (of me I think). You are the strawberry to my cream, the bun to my hotdog and the cheese to my macaroni. Choose one or stay with Garlic Bread. Your choice x

Heavy black heart