Is infertility a burden when dating a new partner?

Having a baby is one of the most exciting times in a couple’s life, but for couples coping with infertility and infertility treatments, conceiving a baby can be trying. The physical, emotional and financial stress of infertility can, if you’re not careful, hurt your relationship with your partner.

In fact, nearly one-fourth of women in a recent survey conducted by the nonprofit organization Healthy Women reported that infertility had a negative impact on their relationships, especially for new couples. The good news is that about a third of women in that same survey said their infertility struggle actually benefited their relationships with their partners. There are times that one of you will think that dating the new one might be an option.

In religious texts, mythological works, and even ancient laws, everyone agreed on one thing, infertility was the fault of the woman. It happened because she said or did something wrong. Occasionally the man might be implicated, too. After all, good people are always able to have children!



We now know that this is untrue, but the social stigma of infertility persists. Most couples who struggle with infertility don’t openly talk about it. This means people facing infertility for the first time feel much more alone than they actually are. They may mistakenly believe they’re the only couple among their friends facing this issue. Single people trying to get pregnant might think they’re the only ones walking this lonely road.

You are not alone, and it’s not your fault. This isn’t because of something you did or didn’t do. Don’t feel ashamed of waiting “too long” or of not leading a perfect lifestyle, either. Everyone makes mistakes, and people are waiting longer now than ever before to have children. Most are still able to have kids. You didn’t cause this. That means you can’t will it away, either.

Blaming yourself for your infertility doesn’t just feel bad. It can also undermine your ability to get help. Fertility has a clock attached to it. Once a woman’s eggs are gone, they’re gone forever. Men, too, see age-related declines in fertility. This means that now is always the best time to have a baby — no matter when now is.

Waiting until next month, next year, or next decade means waiting until there’s an even lower chance of a successful pregnancy. So when your sense of guilt and self-blame interfere with your ability to seek help, they can also undermine — sometimes permanently — your ability to become a parent.

Don’t punish yourself. Get help now. If you’re under 35 and have tried more than a year, it’s time for a referral. Couples over the age of 35 who have tried six months without success should seek help.

Trust and faith with each other will help both of you. It is challenging for new couples that you may encounter problems and obstacles but it will help on how to conquer future problems and conflicts.

Is he a family man? Red flags you should look out for

When you meet a new guy, it can be really hard to judge what kind of person he is. Is he someone worth your time, so you should continue to pursue things with? Or is he actually giving off little hints that he’s someone you should avoid completely in the dating world? When we’re distracted by charm or the way someone looks, it’s easy to ignore these things… but we need to be on the lookout to prevent heartbreak!

Here are the 5 red flags when dating you should look for:

1. He Wants To Be Part of All Your Decisions

Always needing to have a say in everything, even when it has nothing to do with them. My sister’s ex-boyfriend was extremely overbearing, he wouldn’t let her do anything without his permission.

A boyfriend should support you and help you make decisions – not make them for you. If he wants to be part of everything you do, that’s not cute or protective, it’s controlling. Be very careful.

2. He’s Head Over Heels For You Instantly

Personally, it is ‘Falling in love’ quickly, say after a week or so they are saying they love you or trying desperately to get into your pants. Good chance if they are doing these that they are just after sex until there next goal women appears. It might seem obvious but I have known some of these guys and women fall for ‘the game’ if you will time and time again.

If he’s saying “I love you” after three dates, there could be a few reasons: either he’s rebounding for someone, he’s just desperate for a girlfriend no matter who she is, or he’s just trying to get in your pants. Either way, he’s not emotionally stable or he’s just a jerk. Real love takes time.

3. He Doesn’t Make Decisions for Himself

When they don’t know who they are. When they have stories of how exes pretty much push them into making the biggest decisions of their life. Find out why they like strong women, is it because they want a match or because they are weak and constantly need someone to validate who they are?

You want to date a guy who’s independent enough to do things on his own, not someone who’s looking for a girlfriend/mother.

4. He Gets ANgry Very Fast, Even If It’s Not With You

Short-temper. If he’s constantly losing his temper, he’s going to eventually do it at the wrong place and time. If he doesn’t understand basic conflict resolution or how to de-escalate a situation, he’s not going to be that great of a person to have in your life. Also, if he’s rude to waiters. This shows an incredible lack of judgment. These are people who are handling your food. It also shows how he treats others and how he’ll act if there’s ever a power differential in your relationship..

5. He is overage

Men have a biological clock of sorts. Men in their 70s or even 80s can, and do, father children. But a man this age is more likely to take years rather than months to get his partner pregnant.

The older a man is, the longer it will take him to get his partner pregnant. The chance of conception taking more than a year is:

  • about eight percent when the man is under 25
  • about 15 percent when the man is over 35

An age gap can make a difference too. If a woman’s partner is at least five years older than her, she has less chance of conceiving within a year than if her partner is the same age. That’s the case whatever the woman’s age.

How psychology affects fertility


Conception is not always an easy process. The struggle to conceive can bring on a range of different emotions, including many negative thoughts and choosing the right guy. And while it is entirely natural to experience your fair share of negative thoughts, it appears that this type of thinking may actually contribute to some fertility woes. Research now indicates that restructuring of negative thoughts may be able to boost fertility.

A study published in 2005 in the Italian fertility journal, Minerva Ginecologica, suggests that emotional stress can cause severe upheaval in a woman’s reproductive cycle. Women with fertility problems were found to have very high levels of the stress hormone cortisol in their bloodstream. This is the same hormone that has been found to shut down ovulation in female athletes.

The study also discovered that more than 5% of all women experienced disruptions in the menstrual cycles merely because of emotional stress. This can make conception difficult or even impossible for some couples.

While most of us take conception and pregnancy for granted, there are millions of men and women all over the United States who have continued difficulties getting pregnant. Whether you have been diagnosed with male-factor, female-factor, or unexplained infertility, you and your partner probably found the news devastating.

And you may be experiencing a range of negative emotions and thoughts, including:

  • anger
  • guilt
  • self-blame
  • sadness
  • depression

These negative emotions are entirely normal and to be expected. However, if they become overwhelming, they could actually work to make conception even more difficult for you and your partner.

Just as physical stressors, like illness, excessive exercise, and a poor diet, can contribute to reproductive problems, so can emotional stress. And the emotional stress associated with infertility and various fertility treatments is particularly great. In fact, research over the past 20 years or so has shown an increasing relationship between negative thought patterns and fertility problems.

Dr. Andrea Mechanick Braverman, a psychologist and director of psychological and complementary care for Reproductive Medicine Associates of New Jersey, believes it is very difficult to stay positive while trying to conceive.According to her, It is very easy to get negative when trying to conceive, We all carry around our own beliefs about how easy it will be to get pregnant. Many of us believe that you simply stop birth control, and you instantly get pregnant. Contrast with the fact that the average woman only has a 20 to 25 percent chance to get pregnant—less if she’s older—and many will be disappointed and maybe even a bit worried with their first try. For those having problems conceiving, there is the monthly cycle of disappointment and hope which can really wear you down.

Studies actually show women who are experiencing problems getting pregnant have similar levels of depression and anxiety as those suffering from life-threatening diseases like cancer or heart disease. This makes sense to us because infertility impacts every facet of one’s life, similar to life-threatening diseases.

You may have heard countless stories of couples who give up on pregnancy and finally elect to adopt, and then miraculously get pregnant. Or, they go on vacation to forget their tribulations with their infertility struggle, and then voila, they get pregnant while away. Up until now, such anecdotal stories were just that – wives tales that had the effect of causing even more stress on infertile couples making them think the failure to conceive was their fault. Not so anymore!

Recent studies conducted by leading researchers in the infertility field are impressive and starting to gain increased attention from the medical establishment.

Is it easier to conceive when in an interracial relationship?

Interracial relationships can reveal how differences continue to make certain people uncomfortable. From that one bigoted relative who nearly brings down the house at Christmas dinner to your friend who comments how “rude it is” for you and your partner to communicate in another language in front of her, you’ll notice that some individuals always feel pressured to offer their commentary. Interracial relationships and fertility make them uneasy, and as the news reminds us again and again, society has a long way to go towards healing from its racial traumas. Sometimes, it can feel like people want to place you at the head of that process. 


So according to national government statistics, or some sort of group masquerading as some sort of official type conglomerate, 50% of black men in this country and 35% of black women are in relationships or married to people who aren’t black. ETA – people have mentioned that I need to provide links to studies, statistic etc. so here they are) ..( (

Now I know this is a controversial topic, so I’m going to start out by apologizing to those people who are going to be offended by my opinion. Opinions are like university degrees nowadays – pretty much everyone’s got one, they’re all important in their own right, but some are more useful than others. Mine might be useless to you that is cool. 

I have to put the same disclaimer at the beginning as I initially put at the end of this piece. I am not against interracial relationships. I am simply discounting the popular narrative that interracial relationships are automatically positive for racial progress. Please re-read that.  Please, please actually read the entirety of what I’ve written instead of jumping on certain things that might rub you the wrong way.  

Firstly, it’s quite obvious that the vast numbers of black men especially dating and marrying outside their race is pathological. The fact that 50% (48% to be exact) of a group of men date or marry outside their race (primarily white women) is a clear sign of some sort of problem within that community, especially when this is not replicated by the vast majority of the male populations of other races. We can bury our heads in the sand and sing Kumbaya choruses and pretend that this is all wonderful and part of Martin Luther King’s dream, but frankly, it’s not because the reasons why it is occurring in such high numbers are not positive. 

1) Black people as a general group have deep-seated psychological issues when it comes to self-image that may affect conception. 

You only have to look at a hip-hop video, or a black rom-com to see that black people, in general, idolize beauty standards that are not ‘black’.  A large proportion of hip-hop artists are dark skinned black men. A large proportion of hip-hop video models are racially ambiguous. Looking at them, they could be black, they could be Latina or they could be a white brunette with some good fake tan. I know black guys who are as black as a pot of burnt rice who have only dated girls Beyoncé’s shade or lighter, and then have the nerve to talk some excrement about ‘preferences’ and how everyone’s entitled to them. Of course, you’re entitled to them, but if I’d been systematically brainwashed to believe that beauty was at its highest point when it was 5 shades lighter than me, then I think I’d try to revisit my preferences. 

2) Many black men and women who date interracially state that their reasons for doing so are because of issues they have with black men or women, or things that they believe other races of men and women do ‘better’. 

3) Culture and beliefs 

Each party’s culture and tradition may affect conception and fertility because of each other’s affection. Conception starts with feeling according to surveys some women make sure that they are dating the right guy as the father of their children and her lifetime partners. It is important to assure the person that we are going to commit with to avoid regrets in the future. 

At the end of the day whatever other people say we need to be firm with our decision because we are the only one who is handling our own life so, we need to be masterfully planned and carefully designed every decision we made. 


Finding the right partner – The first step towards conception

pregnancy test

Have you thought of someone who will be a father of your first child? Or thinking what would be your ideal man? Have you ever tried to meet someone using free black dating sites hoping for a right guy?

All the relationship advice in the world won’t make any difference if you’re choosing the wrong guy. This is the step that often gets missed or overlooked. Women hammer away, trying to pound the proverbial square peg into a round hole, then wonder what they’re doing wrong, why they can’t seem to make it fit, why they can’t get the love they want. You can’t turn a losing stock into a winning stock. You can’t force someone to change and to want what you want. You can’t convince someone to feel a certain way about you.

We spent way too long chasing after guys who wouldn’t or couldn’t give what we wanted especially the father of our child, and then we wondered what was wrong with us when it didn’t get our lasting love! The problem was simple: We are choosing the wrong men. It sounds straightforward enough, but it’s a very tricky thing. We fall for these guys because it feels so right because we’re swept up in the passion, the chemistry, and the intoxicating aura of unavailability; we get sucked into the space that exists when someone is just beyond our reach and it makes us yearn for him. We convince ourselves that this is it, that he’s the one and we just need to make him see it.

This is where the problems develop. This is where all the questions and fears and doubt and uncertainties and fears start to consume you. You mistake these feelings for true love because maybe you’ve never felt this way before, and you think it must be because this guy is different and this relationship is meant to last.

This is just a glimpse into the confusion that ensues when you choose the wrong guy. If you’re hung up on a man who can’t commit or won’t commit or who is mean to you or who is just a mean person in general, a guy with baggage, a guy with serious issues, a guy who you think would be perfect “if only” he changed such and such, then you’re setting yourself up to lose before you even begin, and you are blocking yourself from ever finding the love you want.

You think he doesn’t take Responsibility

One of the biggest relationship red flags is when someone won’t take responsibility for anything and instead blames you, maybe using a justification along the lines of, “Well I wouldn’t yell at you if you weren’t being so annoying.” Rather than admitting when he’s wrong, he comes up with excuses and justifications for his behaviors and reasons to blame you.

One of the biggest indicators of psychopaths or sociopaths is not being able to take responsibility; it’s a fundamental lack of empathy that prevents them from ever being able to see the other person’s perspective. However, it doesn’t always start out this way. In the beginning, he’s enraptured by you and everything you do is right. Then suddenly he’s unhappy and he blames you for everything that’s wrong. If you erroneously reason that you’re the problem, he may feed this mentality. You don’t inspire him enough, you don’t give him what he needs, you aren’t supportive enough, you’re always negative. It’s always you, never him.

I’m not saying every guy who can’t take responsibility is a psycho; he could just be immature. But it is something to keep in mind because narcissists are out there and this is one of their key features. That is one of the factors that may affect women’s ability to conceive.

Moving forward we need to believe in ourselves and most especially love with tender as we grow with our own family.

Best ways to conceive artificially

artiifcial insemination

Artificial insemination is one of many fertility options available to women who are either having trouble conceiving naturally with their partner or who want to have a child without a male partner. For many couples, artificial insemination is one of the first treatment methods used when they realize that they cannot become pregnant naturally. Artificial insemination is a safe and when coupled with fertility drugs, a reasonably effective method of conception. Compared to other fertilization techniques, it is also fairly cost-effective; depending on which method and sperm source you choose, artificial insemination usually costs between $100 and $6000 per cycle. However, as with any fertility treatment, there are several decisions you will have to make, each with pros and cons.


List of Pros of Artificial Insemination


1. It makes breeding easy and is cost-effective.

The modern technology that is used in this procedure could make it easier and a lot simpler for us to perform careful breeding, as it allows the transfer of semen from a donor to faraway places with ease. It is also cost-effective in a way that sperm cells are preserved, enabling the ability to save money and resources in order to create a huge repository for them.

2. It allows for genetic preservation.

Remember that the lack of genetic diversity can lead to certain species becoming extinct if they are not preserved. One good way to avoid this problem is keeping a lot of preserved sperm from various animals to be able to keep a huge collection of genetic details.

3. It presents the capability to freeze sperm.

The ability of male animals’ semen to stay alive longer will enable us to preserve their sperm by freezing with the use of nitrogen for a longer period of time. That is why we no longer have to worry if it would take a certain period of time to wait for someone who would need it.

4. It makes remote mating possible.

Artificial insemination allows the transfer of semen over a distance and enables organisms living far away to be mated without even being transported. This means that this method can save time and money, as there will be no need travel and carry a lot of things.


List of Cons of Artificial Insemination


1. It disturbs species and disrupts their natural habits.

The act of extracting sperm from male animals normally requires an individual to hold these animals, which means that they will be disturbed. This will create a negative impact, especially when subject animals are living in their natural habitats. Also, conserving sperm by freezing can be used as an exemption to destroy the animals’ natural way of impregnation.

2. It is not effective in other species.

While many animals have successfully adapted to artificial insemination, not all of them will have positive reactions to this method. It is not that often effective even in humans.

3. It requires the use of anesthetics.

To be able to calm animals down when subjected to this procedure, there will be a need to use anesthesia on them, which would affect their ability to react to particular conditions, such as semen extraction.

As a whole, artificial insemination offers positive results to others, but it could also fail to provide the desired results to others. That is why it is very important to weigh down its pros and cons before deciding to undergo this procedure.



A Story of Infertility

For me, as a young child, I had always dreamed of being married and having children. Once I did marry, we waited to start a family. Our goal was to further our careers and to save up enough money to put a hefty down payment on a house—essentially what is now called within the fertility world “delayed parenting.” Yet, there were days I’d have this intense longing and the inevitable question, “What’s my purpose in life?” It was during a Mother’s Day church service when the pastor spoke on “barrenness.” He spoke about many types of barrenness: those who have a dream yet to be fulfilled, a wayward son or daughter, or for those who desired to become mothers. The sermon stirred in me again that childhood dream to have children. I left the church that day feeling a sense of peace and purpose in my life, to become a mother, finally.

As the months and years passed—no pregnancy.  I went through the range of emotions one goes through in trying to get pregnant. I felt angry at God, jealous of others who were expecting, disappointed every month, and essentially left with a broken heart. As I went through this season, I would journal. I would write out my feelings and my frustrations and prayed to God for His help. As I reflected on what I had written I clearly saw God and His faithfulness and help every step of the way. I see it as He turns my disappointments into appointments with Him.

Since I had such a profound impression of God’s purpose in the Mother’s Day service, I just assumed I would get pregnant easily, so therefore I did not obtain diagnostic testing for my infertility—which in hindsight was probably not the best idea. A woman’s egg reserve decreases with each passing year. I did not see the first fertility specialist until the age of forty; for most medical professionals, that would appear to be too late in life. However, I had diagnostic tests. The results proved I had severe endometriosis, fibroids (similar to tumors in my womb), and a hormone deficiency. I had surgeries to correct these problems and medicines to balance the hormones. But still, no baby after the corrective surgeries and thousands of dollars spent.

I sought another fertility specialist, and this time around went through two IUI’s (artificial insemination). With the last treatment, we were given the news, “With your age and egg maturity, there is no hope for you to conceive.” I felt as if those words left me lifeless. I felt as if something died within my heart. The only thing I could think of to do after receiving this terrible report was to turn to God, which as cliché as it sounds was true. I prayed asking God to mend my broken heart that was shattered into a million pieces. Truly, he supernaturally brought healing to my confused mind and broken emotions. Again, my disappointment was met with an appointment with Him. I know this may sound very odd for some, but truly this is my testimony how God can heal one suffering from the grief of infertility.

As I had such an intense desire to have children, my husband was the opposite. So there arose conflict. But we came to a resolution. The details of this are the acknowledgment of the book. We still pray and ask God for children and keep our hearts open as to how He would like to expand our family, but in the meantime we are content and at peace within our hearts and marriage, holding to the scripture that God has a great future and hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

There’s no light at the end of the tunnel


Some of you have been asking why I haven’t posted in a while, well my friends I needed a little break from all things ‘infertility’. My mind was full and my heart felt like it couldn’t possibly take any more, so I stopped thinking, I stopped talking and I stopped hurting, just for a couple of weeks.
It all started a few weeks ago when we had a regular check with the fertility specialist who in one breath told me I was ready to ‘trigger’ and in the next breath told me that if this cycle didn’t work we would need to sit down and talk about our options. What? What do you mean? What options are you talking about? What?! Spit it out goddamnit!

The dreaded conversation. The conversation that I never ever wanted to have. The conversation, that if I am honest I genuinely never thought I would need to listen too.


For the past 6 months, we have been doing ovulation induction with FSH and trigger injections, and I know that in the grand scheme of infertility I am incredibly lucky that thus far, I have been able to steer clear of IVF. I know so many couples are enduring the physical, mental, financial and emotional heartbreak of IVF so I have always thought that we have been lucky that we haven’t needed to go that far yet.

It’s strange, in my heart I truly believed that what we are doing now would work. I would get pregnant, I would have a baby. It’s not the thought of IVF that makes me panic, or what I can only imagine is a horrendous rollercoaster that stresses me out. Nope. Not at all. It’s the thought of no backup plan. Where do we go after that? What’s the next step? I don’t know. And that’s what makes me panic.

And panic I did. I left that appointment with tears in my eyes and my heart beating so hard I thought it was going to stop. All of a sudden I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think and I was in the middle of the street having a panic attack. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I called my sister at work, had her pulled out of her classroom where she was teaching and as soon as I heard her voice the tears came. And then I could breathe. I lost my shit. In the middle of the street, a blubbering mess with mascara and snot running down my face.

I don’t remember much from that conversation except her saying something that has stuck. ‘If it’s not working you can’t keep doing it, it’s not going to get you a baby’
For some reason that’s the only thing that stays in my mind, it’s true.

I calmed myself down, got myself home and waited for my partner to get home from work. Neither of us thought we were at this point, we didn’t realize that IVF was so close. But it is. There are no two ways about it. We came up with a plan of what we would do if this cycle didn’t work. Our specialist thinks I should have another surgery to check for any returning Endometriosis since my previous surgery a few years ago, and then we would go from there. Ok, I’m happy with that. But let’s focus on this current cycle we are on at the moment we said, let’s be positive and believe that this one will work and that nightmare of surgery and IVF won’t ever be part of our story. Great plan!

So we were positive, we did all the right things, we triggered and did the deed when we were told too. I ate my body weight in pineapple around implantation time (Google and my fellow infertility friends tell me it’s what you do!) and if I never see another pineapple it’ll still be too soon! I kept my feet warm with Ugg boots (another implantation tale), I begged, prayed, hoped and wished that this one would be it. That I would fall pregnant with our baby. Finally.

I did. It worked.

I begged, prayed, hoped and wished it would stay put, that this was our baby.

It wasn’t.

On Sunday it started. A miscarriage. Again.

As I sit here in bed writing this, I’m not sure if I will post this or not. I started this blog to write my story, to get my thoughts down and out of my head and so far it has worked. My blog has kept my mind clear, but I’m not sure that it will work this time.

I’m angry, frustrated and fucking pissed off. There are no other words to explain it. It’s just how I feel.

It feels strange not to have the overwhelming sadness that we did back in March when we had a miscarriage, the sadness that tries as you might suppress you just can’t. I don’t feel like that right now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m devastated. I’m lying here in bed miscarrying what could have been and what should have been our baby. But for some reason, that overwhelming sadness is being suppressed, by anger and frustration. I’m not silly, I know the sadness will rear it’s blubbering face soon enough and when it does I have no doubt it’ll hit like a tonne of bricks, but for now I’ll keep it away for as long as I possibly can, because dealing with one miscarriage has been the toughest thing I’ve ever done, I’m not so sure how you pick yourself up after two.

So friends, please know that I am thinking of you and sending so much love and ‘baby dust’ for those who need it. I love this blog and will continue to use it as my ‘therapy’ and for telling my story, it’s my fellow TTC friends who can truly understand me right now. In my everyday life, I need some time out of it all. I plan on going to work and coming home to our safe little bubble and that’s all for a little while.

It’s time to recuperate, heal and get back on top, so I can kick the arse out of infertility and show the world who is in control here.

Lots of love xx

Who’s this irrational girl?!


So I’m sitting here in the waiting room of our fertility specialist, checking everyone out. It’s funny, how after just a few months of coming here my feelings and attitude have changed. The first time we sat here, my knees were knocking (literally), my palms were sweaty and I couldn’t focus on anything else but staring at the door and waiting for this random Dr who I had all my hopes and dreams pinned on, to call my name. I don’t remember much from that initial appointment – apart from the list of tests and referrals he sent us home with.

fertility clinic

Now I sit here, sipping on my iced latte, and perusing the other women who are sitting around me. I wonder how long they have all been trying? What stage they are up too on this journey. There’s a woman across from me whose body language says she is an old hand at this, that she has sat in that chair before, many times, each time hoping it’s better news than last time. The girl to my right keeps rubbing her hands on her shorts…Aha! A Newby! Welcome! I hope you get off this rollercoaster early and unscathed!

And then there’s me. Somewhere in the middle of these two ladies. Slightly nervous, even though it’s just a check-up (more on that later) and a little laid back knowing exactly how the process works.
Oh, and there is the uncomfortable, heavily pregnant woman who is also trying to control her crazy toddler into submission by shaking random things in his face and asking what he is feeling. He’s 2, he feels like crying and running around yelling ‘no’ at the same time. Obviously. She is looking at the 3 of us with a ‘Why? Is this what you really want? Take him. Please’. I think she’s just stopped in this waiting room to take a load off for a minute.

I guess everyone has their struggles.

My mum reminded me of this recently, that at some point in our lives everyone has a struggle or a challenge that no one else around them has dealt with. Something we can feel empathy and compassion towards but not fully understand the true feelings of that person when we haven’t been in their shoes. Don’t judge, unless you’ve walked a mile in their shoes…Something we’ve all heard but for me personally haven’t really thought how true that is.

It’s hard to explain to family, or whoever your ‘team’ is, exactly how you feel. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

It’s a fine line between, not wanting to talk about yourself all the time, not wanting to talk about it that particular day, not wanting to upset anyone by truly allowing them to know how terrifyingly scary this all is, and not wanting to say it out loud because then it’s real. Some days it’s easier than others, and you just have to find the best way of telling people, in a way that they can understand. Not everyone you have on your team will give you everything you need, that’s why I personally have a few people who know what’s going on, each support in a different way and overall I get what I need. You can’t expect one person to give you exactly what you need, especially when you don’t really know what that is yourself. That’s the beauty of building this ‘team’ I keep talking about.

For me, I have always struggled with letting people completely into my life, I like to keep people at arm’s length to a certain point and only let them as close as I want them to be, especially with my health. I like to have things under control. I’m a control freak. In most areas of my life (apart from the fact that I wear odd socks..on purpose)

For me, this all started about two and a half years ago, when I randomly collapsed at work. Out of nowhere, one Saturday afternoon. I ended up in an emergency with a flurry of scary words and questions being thrown at me.
“How long have you known you have Endometriosis?” Umm about 1.4 seconds
“You’ll most likely need surgery” umm what?!
“You have multiple cysts on your ovaries”… Is that normal? Oh, it’s not? Right, ok.
“Endometriosis causes infertility” Sorry? Say that again?

This was the first time I didn’t hesitate to call for help. My mum. (Sometimes, regardless how incredible your partner is, and mine is top notch, a girl just needs her Mum). Through sobs and snot running down my face, I told her that I needed her.
What do I do? Do I have the surgery? Do I get a second opinion? What happens if I can’t have children? Mum! Help me! So it was Mum to the rescue, she flew down (we live in different states) and stayed with me while I had the surgery to remove what they could of the Endo (that’s Jargon for Endometriosis and I’m using it mainly because my spell check is annoying the crap out of me each time I type it)

Ok, so the surgery was ok, post-op was painful and at the age of almost 30 asking your mum to shower you brings on a whole new bond. (Sorry about that tattoo you’ve just noticed Mum, promise I won’t have anymore. And yes Mum, I’ve kept this promise! On a side note, when your Mum tells you at 19 that you’ll regret that tattoo, believe her! It’s more painful and more expensive to have it removed)

Anyway, the new bond with my Mother. We’ve always been close, sometimes we talk 5 times a day on the phone. I guess at each stage in your life you need your Mum for different things. But this was a situation that felt bigger than anything I had experienced before. I needed my mum as if I was a little girl who really didn’t know how to look after herself. She bathed, fed and put me to bed. It was in these days that I saw her as more than ‘Mum’. She was my caregiver, my support person, and my friend. I now understand that the word ‘Mum’ encompasses so many different people, wrapped up in one person.
It’s funny how relationships change, and as you grow older you become more like friends, but there are still times when you don’t need them as a friend, you need them as the Mum, as the grown up.

So back to the waiting room (I got a little sidetracked)…I sat and waited patiently while my new friend next to me kept wiping her clammy hands on her clothes. My name is called, in I go. A few pleasantries while I take off my shorts and undies, it’s weird how getting undressed and positioning yourself in those stirrups just becomes second nature (I mean buy me dinner and a drink first, or just a I right?)

Internal ultrasound to see how the injections are working, late last week I had one and it showed we needed to up the dose. It’s a fine line with FSH injections – we need to find out the dose my body responds to, you start at a low dose and increase from there. I asked why we can’t go up to the highest dose and his response was ‘well then you might fall pregnant with 8 babies and find yourself on the cover of New Idea’ point taken Doc. Last week I was starting to produce a small follicle, today, I have two lovely follicles on both ovaries that are similar size and could quite possibly ovulate at the same time, increasing our chance of twins. Twins? Two? Right, ok. We made the decision with the Dr before we started that twins would be amazing (for anyone with twins reading this, thinking Wow this girl has no idea! You’re right, I don’t, and I’ll be coming to you for advice!) but we wouldn’t want to risk my health or the health of future children by having more than a twin pregnancy. And today that became a real possibility. When I told my future baby Daddy his reply was ‘oh cool, one each’ (he has even less of an idea than me!)

So now we wait, keep injecting and have another scan later in the week. Although I am super happy that it’s all going along smoothly, I am also not getting my hopes up. As our Doctor explained, ovulating is the first steps in the multi-step process, which is fertility treatment. The drug I was on previous to this (Clomid) has left its mark with some side effects that my body needs time to recover from. So we wait.
And Inject.

Ahh yes, the dreaded daily injection. What a bitch! Now, it may not seem like a big deal, once a day, a tiny needle and all for a good cause, but its overwhelming and bloody scary! The first night I had to do it, I lined everything up, re-read the instructions, twice. Slowly put the injection pen together, double checked the ampoule of baby making liquid, and checked the expiry date. Then I put it all to the side and started my procrastination. I made dinner, I made lunch for the next day, I cut up fruit in case I wanted a juice the next morning, I wiped the benches, I fluffed the pillows on the lounge..until I looked up and was told by my partner ‘you can’t keep putting it off’ hmm spoken like someone who doesn’t have to put a needle into their own body.
And so I did it. It didn’t even hurt. Easy peasy. What is everyone complaining about on these forums I read?!
This is so great I thought, until the second night. I stabbed myself 4 times before I had the guts to keep in and press the button. Wow. This is not easy. This is what everyone is complaining about on these forums I read!
By night 3 and 4 I was a professional. A regular junkie. All done within 3.5 seconds a pat on the back and a bar of chocolate.
So now we are day 9 and so far so good. No nausea, no headaches, no hallucinations. Just a minor episode last night when ‘rational’ left my body and ‘pyscho’ entered and I waved the injection pen in the face of my manfriend yelling ‘do you want to be injected every day? Do you want me to do this to you? Come on, tell me where do you want it??’ Wow. Didn’t read that in the ‘side effects’ leaflet.
Like I said previously, blame it on the hormones. Always the hormones.

So that’s where we are at. Injections, hormones, and psychotic outbursts. Ahh the life of infertility, always fun! Let’s give a shout-out, to the partners who have to endure crazy needle waving girlfriends and pretend it’s “totally ok love, do you want some chocolate now?”

NB: Sorry to my partner for calling him the garlic to my bread in the previous blog…he was embarrassed (by me I think). You are the strawberry to my cream, the bun to my hotdog and the cheese to my macaroni. Choose one or stay with Garlic Bread. Your choice x

Heavy black heart

There’s no bun in my oven..yet

As I sit here on my couch, full of a cold, snuggled up with our dog, after just being a total bitch to my partner for no reason, I am trying my hardest to ignore the cramps and that ‘your period is on it’s way’ pain that I’ve now been feeling for 2 days. I’m thinking about everything else but that. What’s for dinner? Should I do some washing? Should I move that lamp to the other corner ..yeah great idea…actually now I want to move it back. I should paint my toenails. I wonder what Coles are going to do if they have to recall all their lettuce with this Salmonella scare I’ve just seen on Facebook. Random and unimportant things, to keep my mind from focusing on what is really happening.

My period is coming.

So, not only will the bitchy moany PMS monster inside me be arriving (joy for all those around me) I’ll be bed ridden all weekend with the pain (gotta love being a girl with endometriosis). But the arrival of old unwanted ‘Aunt Flo’ (who always seems to come for her visit at the most inappropriate time – I guess she really is like that wacky Aunty everyone has somewhere in their family), it also means that our first round of fertility treatment hasn’t worked.

This isn’t the month that I get to tell my beautiful love that he is going to be a Dad for the first time. Something I have thought about, Instagram stalked and spent hours on Pinterest and YouTube planning how to do it in the sweetest and kind-of-funny way I know he would love.

This isn’t the moment I have waited most of my adult life for – the moment I can finally tell my Mum I’m having a baby. That we are so clever, we made her another grandchild, to add to the two she already has who she thinks are the Bees Knees.

This isn’t the month that I can start buying all the baby stuff I’ve taken screen shots of on my phone …hello Bugaboo and Incy interiors .. I’m looking at you! (Not bugaboo…I’m going to beg my sister for hers)

This isn’t the month that it won’t be awkward when The Man catches me looking at myself in the mirror pushing my tummy out to see what I’ll look like when I’m pregnant .. Hopefully when it happens my face won’t be so red from holding my breath while I push out my stomach!


This is the month that I feel somewhat like a failure. Like once again my body has failed me. That I’ve failed. As a woman. As a partner. As a daughter.

As a 31 year old woman, making a baby is what we are meant to be able to do. It’s easy right? You decide you want to start a family together, you come off the pill, you go at it like rabbits thinking it’s all fun and sexy and you make a baby.

No. As it turns out, sometimes it’s not that easy. Sometimes you try for almost a year and start to wonder why it’s not happening. You buy countless pregnancy tests, different brands because obviously it’s the test that’s incorrect not your body and then you start to slightly panic when they are all negative. Umm… WTF is going on here!? Ok let’s have sex in the morning. Yep that’ll be the problem. Our bodies aren’t working properly at night, too tired from work and everyday life, that must be it. Nope. Nothing. Hmmm… Ok. Let’s eat reeeeeally healthy and do lots of exercise and have fun with friends and not think about it and then it’ll happen, right? Everyone says, when you don’t think about it, it happens.


Rightio..let’s go and see a fertility specialist. Ok so now we have a plan. We both need to go through some tests, make sure everything is working the way it should…that nervous wait to get the results is a killer…and the tests (for me) are invasive and painful..he on the other hand had to endure a blood test and give his ‘sample’ in a cup and he was done.. but you would think he had run a marathon whilst pulling a Mack Truck on a chain the way he tells his side of the story. He does that, he makes jokes to lighten a heavy situation. It’s one of the things I love most about him.

We sit and listen for the results, all pretty good on his part (fist pump) on the other hand. How did I get this body? Was I terrible in a previous life? So I don’t ovulate consistently because of the cysts on my ovaries, and when I do, I ovulate ‘bad eggs’ (let’s call them rotten eggs to keep with the egg theme). Which would explain the miscarriage we had in August.

So we are to start Clomid – a drug that basically tricks your body into producing the Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) which you need to make you ovulate, and you need to ovulate to get pregnant. Ok, seems easy enough. Take one tablet for 5 days and then go for an ultrasound with the Dr. Have sex when we are told to. Ohhhh yeah sooo sexy! And not at all awkward!

Don’t get me started on the sex you need to have whilst trying to make an offspring. I kid you not, sometimes I don’t even want to look his direction, let alone drop my pants and I know he feels the same. Anyone who tells you “making a baby would be so much fun, think of all the sex” has obviously never tried to make a baby this way.

Back to the sex…it’s all fun and sexy when you first start. And then it’s a job. It’s work. A chore. Like something you know you have to do, but you would rather do anything else. Like taking out the has to be done but I put it off until the bin is overflowing and something starts to smell. Now I’m not referring to my life companion/lover as garbage. No no no. He is the total opposite. He is HOT. I think he is the garlic to my bread and I usually want to jump his bones all.the.time (except Monday nights at 8.30 because I’m too busy with The Kardashians). Seriously, I bloody love this man. And I know he feels the same about me. (Although I’m sure after my unprovoked outburst earlier his love for me dimmed a little for a while…silver lining to all this is you can blame everything on ‘the hormones’).

But when there is someone telling you when and how to do it, for that week, it becomes work. And it always seems, that when we are told to do it, it’s at the worst possible time. I have just finished a nightshift, he has just come back from travelling interstate for work, we’re tired, we’ve had a stupid fight (no I didn’t empty the dishwasher .. Again ..I think you can see the pattern of my lack of household chores) or we just don’t want to, plain and simple… Think of it like this… The times you just want to be a slob on the couch, stare at the tv and ignore each other .. The last thing you want to do is get sexy and do your thing…well guess what?! You HAVE too. Twice a day. For as many days as some Dr you’ve met 6 times, tells you too. Ohhh yeah…(insert sexy music here).

Anyway, back to the tablets. We thought it would be easy. Seemed straight forward enough. Well it would be easy if my body didn’t react so badly. I hallucinated – first that my hands and feet were 10 times bigger than they were (weird) and then I started having a great convo with my Nana in the lounge room (she passed away almost 10 years ago). Embarrassingly I almost passed out at work. Luckily I work with some amazing girls who were awesome.

We finished the treatment and had multiple ultrasounds and finally I ovulated! Yay! One beautiful follicle! Go me! Go us! So we did what we were told (see above). And then we started the two week wait until we could test…that’s today. Negative. All six tests. All 3 different brands.


So now we wait, for ‘Aunt Flo’ to come. Joy. Then we start again. Round 2. Injections. For 12 days. It feels intense and more hardcore than popping a tablet for 5 days, but it’s what needs to be done. The thought of injecting myself is scary, emotional and surreal.

So I guess you now know what this blog will be about, to be honest I have always found writing things down a cathartic and freeing experience, so if no one reads this (not you Mum, I know you’ll read this…sorry for any swearing) it’s a way for me to put down in writing how I feel about something I want so desperately. Heavy black heart